My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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