I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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