he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Boobs speak an international language.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
