I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
