I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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