if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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