Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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