I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
