He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
