man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
