Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She even gives head with a lisp.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
