My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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