i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
