oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize