I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
