Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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