First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
