he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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