i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
