god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
