fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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