i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
