My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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