I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
