I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
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He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
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Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I smell like Dick and happiness
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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