this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
