Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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