Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
