Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
