Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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