matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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