Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
