Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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