You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
