have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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