Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
