i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
