I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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