i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
