My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
