I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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