On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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