he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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