their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?
and what kinds of feelings would these be?
Happy, horny, occasionally hungry
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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