I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
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The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
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Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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