i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
