Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
