I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize