Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
