Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
