dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
you made out with another girl for some wings
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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