last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
i think my cat just said my name.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
