Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just found a bag of teeth...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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