I think I died a long time ago.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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