The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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