come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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