Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
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Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
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you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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