mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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