Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
