I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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