She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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