I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least đ
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Listen, all Iâm saying is, if youâre lying naked next to a hot chick, you donât start discussing dental hygiene.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He sang the chorus to âInside of youâ by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldnât even be mad, that probably took talent
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